There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
