I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
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