Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
