Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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