I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
