Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
