I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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