Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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