I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
