I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
