his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
