I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize