dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
