I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
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