Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
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