Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
