I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
as a side note pls kill me
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
