Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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