Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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