So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Randomize
