So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
The Olympian is in my bed
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
