last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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