he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
