matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Randomize
