someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
we made out on top of his cat.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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