I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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