Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
PANTIES FOUND
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
