It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
