I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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