I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
