so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
