i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
