No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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