don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I am available for nakedness
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
