My room smells like vodka and shame
I should be sponsored by Trojan
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize