had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
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