Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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