There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Hippo gnu deer
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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