Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
