Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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