the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
When are your genitals available?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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