He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
