Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
