of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
