Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Ketchup is God's man juice
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Randomize
