She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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