Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
