Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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