I must be too annoying 4 u.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
