I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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