Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
