Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Randomize
