i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
