Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
