I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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