There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
