So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
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