I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
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