we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
