I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
it's great music for shaving your balls
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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