I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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