I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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