turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
