hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Randomize
