Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I could make wine with my vomit
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Randomize
