I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
