How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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