Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
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