we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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