My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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